1. I don't like my husband. I wish I could go back to when we were dating and get the hell out. Why don't I just get divorced, you ask? Well for one, I HATE divorce. I think it is selfish, cowardly and lazy. (I'm not talking about abuse or even cheating.) I'm talking about the divorces that just happen because people are too damn lazy to fix their problems or they just give up. I realize people grow & change over the years and part of the challenge of marriage is to do such along side your partner. Back to my marriage. I have tried to make a pros & cons list of the Hubster, but the cons just seem to take over. I look at him and wonder...Sure we get along all right, really we never fight. We would make awesome buddies or roommates. I am not turned on by in the least, he continually annoys me and I am somewhat embarrassed by him. I feel like he doesn't know me at all. Come on now, it's been 15 years! We don't agree on how to raise the children, among many other things.
2. I have zero self confidence. This I prefer to blame on aforementioned spouse. I used to be very confident and even find myself to be sexy. Now, I feel used, ugly, awkward and lonely. I think the years spent with a man who makes you feel like shit has really worn me down. Now, he is not abusive in any way, he just has no clue how to treat other people correctly. He was never taught how to be truly respectful, kind, loving or in tune with someone. He has no idea how to lift people up or even really notice when they are down. He is such a clad about other people's feelings. I used to think I was strong even to not let I bother me. I even thought he would change & mature. (Stop laughing. Yes, I thought a man would change.) Such is not the case. Instead I am tired and sad about the way I feel about my physical & emotional self.
3. I constantly ponder how I am going to solve these problems or run away, but I can't fix them. This is a huge problem for me. I can fix ANYTHING.
4. I am living a huge lie. My friends and family thing think we are happily married, living the dream life. I am too prideful and ashamed, both at the same time to tell them the truth. My Husband knows most of this, but of course he has no solutions.
Phew, that's enough for now. I am exhausted. While it may take you minutes to read this, it took me hours to write it. Why? I had to admit to myself all these things again, after having silenced them in my heart. I have spent so much time shoving it all down, so as not to have to deal with it. (Doesn't work, by the way.) The tears are a rollin'. Now, I hope I can (as an intelligent adult) figure my life out.
I want this blog to be a shared journey, not just my rantings, so please join me. Email me at thetruthwillsetmefree@windowslive.com.
You can share just about anything. Secrets you hold, things you just need to share with someone or even tips or advice to help someone else. Thanks for reading!
